I realise now that I shouldn't call them carers. I'm 31 years old and should be able to care for myself. Maybe with Lenka and SC we look out for each other but Ciara was different. She was so much younger than me. I should have been looking out for her. I should have done more to help her when she was sad. I could have done more when she was looking for work or nights when she was down.
Truth is because she was so much younger than me I didn't give her the respect she deserved. And she deserves all the happiness in the world. She reminds me so much of me when I was in my early twenties. A vulnerability and a desire to care about people...something it has become apparent I have lost in recent years. Ciara is someone who makes me smile as soon as I see she is out. Not many people have that effect. I don't know a single person who doesn't like her. In fact I don't know a single person who doesn't love her.
When we first met she spent the evening telling my drunk friend to stop making so many racist comments. It was pretty damn funny. Although she looks about 15 you would never know that to talk to her. She added me on social media the day after we met and we were mates ever since. She's funny as fuck and has a genuine compassion that you rarely see these days. When I first started hanging out with her some of my older friends asked why I was socialising with someone 10 years younger than me. I could have stopped being her friend to save face but then I would have lost a good mate. Someone whose company I enjoyed so much.
And now I have lost a good friend. In fact I've lost 3. I won't go into details as I've spent my night going into them and I'm exhausted. I came home tonight and took a good long look in the mirror. I need to make changes to my life, I know that now. I need to sort my shit out and start being a better friend. For some it is too late but I need to work hard to keep the ones I still have. I need to treat women better I know. I can be such an asshole sometimes even if I mean well. I have a short temper and a mean streak but deep down I'm not a complete cunt. But that's something to write about another day.
Around Christmas time I had just got out of hospital with a problem with my appendix and my right testicle. I was barely walking. Mainly hobbling around on a walking stick. One night Ciara walked from town to my house just to bring me a kebab and feed me. I didn't even ask her to do it. She offered. You forget about stuff like that sometimes. You forget what your friends do for you and you take it for granted.
I used to think it was strange that people like Ciara and Lenka and Skylar became close to me so quickly. I've had the same group of boy mates for around 15 years so I found it difficult when new people wanted to be close. But now I understand that they were just kind and genuine souls. Maybe they saw something good in me...I don't know. I definitely saw something good in Ciara, Something pure and caring and beautiful.
She used to always ask me if I was ok and try and get me to open up to her. I always shut her off because she was so much younger than me. I didn't think a 21 year old could talk to me about stuff like that. But now I realise she was like a mother or big sister to me, despite her age. She was just trying to look out for me and easily spotted when I was upset or depressed.
This is a short article as I'm only going to be sharing it with her. I wanted to write something sooner but felt I needed to apologise to her face first. And now I have...so...
...I'm sorry mate, I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry I lied. And I'm sorry our friendship is fucked. But it's like Skylar says...sorry is not enough if you keep having to say it.
That's all
x
