A Day Like Any Other

The alarm could have been going off for an hour for all she knew, it certainly felt like it as the sound bore deep into her head, waking her up and making her whole body ache for it to end. Lizzie lifted her arm and smashed it half asleep still onto the table next to hers in the hope it would land perfectly on the alarm clock and silence it. It did not and instead the whole table crashed to the floor spilling wine and cigarette ends over the lavish red carpet and making absolutely no difference to the noise of the alarm. With a groan Lizzie opened her eyes and tried to move into an upright position succeeding only in falling off her chair so she now sat amidst the fag butts and vino on the floor. Lizzie thought she was still pretty sprightly at the tender age of 85 but even she knew help would be needed for her to stand up when she was hanging this bad. Still, no need to rush. It was Christmas day after all.

About 10 minutes later Gary came in and helped her to her feet. ‘I’m sorry’ she explained. ‘I must have fallen asleep on the chair again. Can you believe none of those cheeky bastards would even take me to bed’ Gary blushed as he always did when she swore. ‘Sorry Ma’am but you told them all to, err, F-off and you wanted to enjoy your Christmas on your own for once’. ‘Really?’ Lizzie chuckled to herself; she never would have had the guts to say that to her own parents and now here she was blindly swearing to her nearest and dearest. ‘Well Gary I suppose I had better get ready for the day. Just open the windows will you hun?’ Gary obediently went over and opened the giant golden arch windows. Lizzie leant out and took in a lungful of the air outside. It always made her smile, the London air. It was just so homely. Some times when Gary was driving her about town she would ask him to unwind her window a tiny bit so she could smell the grease, ale and tobacco smoke that reminded her of her youth so much. She wished she could stroll into a public house and order a pint of Courage and packet of dry roasted like when she was a virtual unknown growing up during the war but Phil would go mental if he even found out she’d had the window down let alone was getting plastered in the Dog and Duck.

She mooched into her bedroom and found that Phil wasn’t there. He’d probably gone to walk the dogs seeing as he was invincible to hangovers the lucky blighter. Lizzie glanced at the time and realised she was incredibly late. She called for Elaine to come and help her get ready before spying the pile of presents on the bed and promptly sat down and began to rummage through them. ‘Sod them’ she thought. They’d wait for her, they always did. She could be up to an hour late and blame it on old age rather than say the truth that she was having a crafty fag by the stables or playing on Wii fit with one of her Granddaughters.

           

She tossed the presents from her husband and children to one side. They always got her the most boring gifts imaginable. A new pair of gloves here, a diamond necklace there. How dull. It was the presents from her Grandchildren she enjoyed the most. They were a glimpse into a more fun life and often were the only things she’d bother to use more than once. She found the one from Bea first. Definitely a CD. Kind of annoying when only a year earlier she had bought her an IPod Nano but seeing as no-one in the house had shown her how to use ITunes no matter how much she asked it was still in its box. She unwrapped the CD with tentative fingers and nearly dropped it in excitement. She’d read all about this band in the NME (she sometimes made Gary pop into WHSmiths and buy it for her) a few weeks ago and had been dropping hints to Bea ever since that she wanted it. Elaine, who had just entered the room, was ordered to put it on straight away and turn it up to eleven. Lizzie removed the cover notes and found the lyrics for the first song. She had heard it on Xfm a few times and couldn’t help but sing along:

This girl she pressed all the right switches

She’s a proper ho, not one of those bitches

Brilliant she thought.

Her other presents were pretty standard. Same old sentimental tat from Eddie.  Horse racing tickets from Andy. Will and Henry (or Harry as everyone seemed to be calling him) had gone halves on a Blackadder boxset. Lizzie still didn’t understand why they had to go halves on presents for everyone. It was not as if they were 8 and saving up their pocket money. But it’s the thought that counts. Kate had got her a subscription to ‘More’ magazine. Lizzie had no idea what this was but she thought Kate was a pretty cool girl and it was a nice gesture from someone who wasn’t even a blood relative.

Just then Phil and Charlie burst in. ‘Lizzie why aren’t you dressed?’ Phil asked hurriedly. ‘Mum, you is gonna make us proper late if you don’t hurry yourself!’ Everybody winced. Charlie had been trying to bond with his sons again and the results were always embarrassing. Surely enough Will and ‘H’ trudged in behind them. Lizzie had always felt bad for them at Xmas time. No-one else’s family would have made them go through something this tedious and embarrassing every December 25^th, especially from such a young age. Indeed she hated it herself. She’d much rather be drinking Sherry and waiting for the ‘Royale Family’ Christmas special to come on the box later. But tradition is tradition.

She’d hardly noticed but Elaine had somehow managed to fully dress her so she went forward to kiss her Grandsons. Will gave her a peck on the cheek but H turned away in embarrassment. She wasn’t surprised. She’d walked in to find him pleasuring himself in one of the private bathrooms the other week and he hadn’t looked her in the eye since. What was worse is that she hadn’t told anyone else in the family (except Phil) so they all thought he was just being plain rude. Phil instantly changed the subject and stopped H getting a rollicking from his Dad. ‘Right are we all ready to go?’ he declared. ‘Course we are lets do this shit!’ Charlie exclaimed as his offspring went bright red. ‘Remember everyone’ said Phil. ‘Posh voices only.’ They began to file out.

Lizzie hooked her foot into her crown and expertly flicked it into the air before catching it on her head. She looked up beaming with her achievement before scowling that they’d all gone. She’d been practising that all year. ‘Don’t know where you all think you’re going she thought. You can’t start anything with out me. She had a sneaky sip from the hip flask tucked into her stockings and gave herself one last look in the full length mirror to psyche herself up. ‘Who are you?’ She said quietly to herself ‘I’m the queen.’ Getting louder now. ‘I’m the Goddam Queen!’ Louder still. ‘I’m the Goddam Queen of fucking England!’ She shouted as loud as she could before doing the clicking thing with her fingers that Bea had assured her all the kids were doing and turning to walk as gracefully as she could outside to meet her adoring public.